She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
