i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
