I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
