so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She's not a foreskin expert like you
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
