I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
