she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
