My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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