please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
