He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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