and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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