and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
