It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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