Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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