insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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