He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
