just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
