i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
