i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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