we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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