Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
