May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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