I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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