Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
