Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
