I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
