Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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