these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
