Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
