On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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