On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
