non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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