I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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