i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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