OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
