I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
