not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
