Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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