party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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