my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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