OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
