Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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