She announced her abortion via fbk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
