i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
