I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
