And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
