I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
