You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
