I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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