Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
