tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
